Thus began the detour. A detour that made me feel like I was flushed away, and then found a whole new world. You know the movie, "Flushed Away". I had never seen it until after I made the choice to walk out of the house. Needless to say that once the movie had been watch by my daughter... It has become one of her most watched movies. Well the premise of the movie is this house mouse, gets flushed down the drain. And of course the mouse thinks that he is being flushed to his death. But much to his surprise there is a whole world that exists in the sewer system. A world that if he asks can help him get home, but also has a great many perils.
I seem to be on a detour into a new world, different from the one found when the mouse went down the sewer, but still full of help and peril. My issue has been learning who is safe to reach out to for help, and who will add to the perils I already face. With the divorce, it has felt like I have been flushed away. And for a long time, I thought it was to a death. A death of committing myself to being completely alone for the rest of my life. My only contact with the world would be thru my daughter. And though I felt that I was being sent to my death... I would willingly submit to anything if it meant that my daughter was safe and could grow up to love God.
During this trip towards my death within my marriage... something has changed. I no longer feel that, if my husband were to show up on my doorstep, that I would need to just submit to his desires. Still being married to him has been a constant struggle in thought. Thoughts that included questioning not just our civil marriage, but also our marriage in the eyes of God. It has been more of a struggle to understand how God sought me to move forward. And maybe that is where I am discovering that in this moment of drowning in the flushing... I have landed in a better place.
In the past few weeks, with many detours that are topics for later, I have come to the realization that even though I stood before God with the man who would become my husband... that the covenant before God came with promises and conditions. Promises that we would cherish each other and only be with each other. This part of the covenant I understood and took to heart. It was the conditions that I didn't know existed... and those conditions only became real when I finally stopped to look around in the new world that I had landed in.
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Those conditions include a built in escape plan. An escape plan that is designed to save those who honor the promises that they have made before God. In my design to honor God, by submitting to my husband, I did everything he asked me to do. As our marriage continued, the things that he asked of me grew more diverse and to me often disgusting. The part that bothered me the most in the early days, was his desire to bring a third into our marriage. Having been that third, it was something that I agreed to with great hesitation, but never approved someone to be that third. When it became unbearable was when the focus for a third shifted from seeking out someone to train the very person that I loved more than myself... my daughter.
Now here is where the escape plan God created comes into play. His desires to hurt me with bringing in a third, along with his desires for training our daughter. Apparently these actions, even just as thoughts he was planning, are valid reasons to be able to escape the marriage. And right now, they are for me a great relief. An understanding that God is going to allow me to be released from our marriage. That if my husband shows up on my doorstep, that I never again have to give into his desires... and that detour in learning has meant a new sense of freedom.
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