Overcoming Fear...

This is a phrase that raises questions.  Sometimes more questions than I can find answers to.  And today in reading about Israel after they were freed from Egypt, I find that I am stuck in the question of how do I move forward against odds that seem impossible.  And despite the fact that I trust and have faith in God...  I still tend to worry about how I am going to get thru this next step.  

And I know that I am not suppose to worry... That God will provide all that we need.  And yet I struggle to figure out how He will provide all our needs...  and it gets harder when I find myself looking at our ever shrinking budget.  And it isn't like I am wondering how we are going to plan our next vacation...  I am simply wondering how to make sure that we have enough food to eat.  Or even that we can manage to afford to have clean clothes.  And even in the time that I seem to spend worrying about all these little things... nothing changes.  The bottom line is still the same.  That unless I am willing to swallow my desire to be able to take care of all these things on my own and seek out the resources in the community...  This is not going to change.

And yet, when you are new in a place... how do you find out where these resources are.  And I still have no idea.  And I watch my baby eat what is left in the house for food... counting the days until she will be able to eat at school... knowing that I will have to adjust to being able to learn that what little is left for me to eat... is all I will have.  And that I must just accept that I can provide food to keep my baby from ever knowing this empty feeling of hunger... true hunger.  And that maybe this is one cross that I will never be able to abandon...  One that started when it was my family and I accepted the little bit of what was left, so that my brother would never know that pain.  

And maybe it is the reason why I struggle so much with having a supply of food stored away for us as we need it, but right now I am having to start over.  And with that brings the days of the empty feelings inside...  and I use to know ways to make the feeling go away.  But it seems that all of the tricks have drifted from my mind.  And I am now having to figure out how to make sure that I can with a smile... give my baby all the food her body requires and settle for what is left...  And to pray that I can keep her from understanding the struggle that life has become with so much loss...

And even while I hold my breathe and pray for a miracle...  I can't open my mouth and let the words come out and say I am hungry...  I don't know how we are going to be able to eat for the next week... let alone all the weeks to come until I can get funds to allow us to get more food.  So, I will settle for my meals of peanut butter and bread for all the days of the week just so that my baby can have food to eat.  And I will still try to hide the pain that I am feeling inside... wondering why in this world people can worry about where they will go on their next vacation and which restaurant will they eat at...  while I sit her wondering how I will feed my baby.  And I wonder how I will ever overcome fear...  And yet with faith I am to rely that I will never know hunger.  I only wish that was true.