Flying paths

Days seem to fly by and yet in the wake of time I find that time alone is precious. And that time alone is when I find time to look at the pictures of my life and all that is going on... Days change because the weather changes and I see the growth of life again all around me. And yet I am still trying to dust off the cobwebs of life in my mind. I am trying to learn how to stand still and call a place home. And mind you that is not an easy task for someone who feels the urge to run away from the pain that they have seen not just lately, but over a lifetime. And as of late this cleaning of my mind has taken the form of a new set of questions... A new search to understand the thoughts that race thru my mind...

What is truly unforgivable sin? And over the course of my life and marriage as I submitted to my spouse out of love did I ever cross the line to unforgivable? And yet the more I seem to look at the question the more the question becomes grey. And right now grey is not a color I want in my world. I want it to be as clear as a black and white photo... Not a muddle of questions and ideas. I am trying to figure out what I believe still and what is left of my life in the wake of my marriage falling apart, my husband sitting in jail, and way too many court battles for the safety of my child. I know that God still is here... I just am not sure where the ideas of my life fit in with that idea... Where do you find the forgiveness and when is the punishment completed for the crime? Questions that most people just would brush over in the race of life, but since I have been so use to the punishment in life I struggle to find the balance and where what is going on would ever possibly be unforgivable. And in some ways it is also about how to forgive the person who just about took your life away from you... How do you find peace with them? And how do you let go of something that you are not ready to face? And does that path actually have to involve feelings? Or is there a logical way to make the path?

Which brings me to the fact that most people need help when they have faced so much hurt to learn how to feel... And it makes me wonder what people do to help those friends around them feel and know they are loved, cared for, and safe?

Focus on Prayer...

I was going thru my e-mail today and found a link to this site. And found it to be helpful not just in focusing on prayer, but also in using these same techniques to calm yourself when you are feeling angry. I have been searching thru the site and found the fact that it talked about the simplest of prayer that exists is in breathing. And that in breathing we are connected to the force of creation and that we breathe in God's light and goodness and when we breathe out we breathe away all the darkness. A new way to think that I might find helpful. And I know I need ways to learn how to begin to trust and the first step is learning to trust God. Well I can trust God to keep me breathing... And am amazed at remembering the connection the we have with the universe simply thru drawing breathe. It is comforting in many ways since I have found it hard to even focus on God at times... And this way I can simply focus on Him just by breathing. And maybe this simple focus will help with the emotions that tend to build up inside of me. And when they do I often am unsure of how to face them... So maybe a simple focus will help me with panic attacks, fear, and even anger. The only way I will know is to try. And I know I need to work on trusting God... So I will take the baby step and work on breathing prayer. 

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